Me and The Universe Still Got It!

Pencils of Promise (PoP for short) is A NGO that builds and maintains schools in 3rd world countries. It is an amazing organization. Last Saturday they threw a benefit to help the kids. The benefit was themed. I went as rich. (If you have read my blog you already know this. If you haven't read it yet, you better go back to my first Universe blog.)

The benefit had a karoake band known as the Guitar Villans. They played the live music, and I got the chance to sing with them. I sang "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." I also apparently anounced to the crowd, "I am tone deaf as a mother fucker y'all." Then I sang, and I was tone deaf as a mother fucker! I have provided the youtube link for your entertainment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h86sQ2_naEY&feature=share

The benefit was also full of raffles and prizes. I chose to buy $20 dollars worth of raffle tickets, and then I placed the raffle tickets in random bowls. When time came for the drawing, I was all ears. You see, I was still all about being on the Universe's side. And the Universe did not let me down. Lots of prizes were given away. But then they got to my number. I had just won 2 tickets to the Avalanche Hockey game. The prize also included a Zamboni ride during the second period!!! This was not only amazing, it was awesome! I will be participating in all this excitement tomorrow night!

OK. Back to the Story. I almost completely forgot that I had other tickets. And then it donned on me, "I could win another prize. I still have other tickets in my hand!" And then the universe threw me some more love! This time I won 2 round trip chartered flights to Grand Junction, Co. I am headed to wine country!

The benefit was amazing! I was so happy with my prizes! I will leave you with a few pics from the event, but the real drunk and funny ones are probably on FB.

Growing My First Nut- Well at Least Temporarily

Every quarter at work my team goes on some sort of team outing. Last quarter we got the chance to vote for what we wanted to do. Would it be white water rafting? Party bus to Blackhawk for gambling? Shooting Range? Elitches Amusement Park? The answer to that question was none of the above.

My team had voted for the one event that terrified me to my very core.......Paintball. I do not have what you call aim or coordination, and I was about to have paint filled balls moving at a great speed flying towards me. Maybe even towards my head. Why was this happening to me? I had to brave. I was not going to be the one wimpy girl who was too scared to play. It was time to put on my big girl panties. And in this case I decided what would make me feel tougher was to dress in camouflage from head to toe.

With each day that got closer I could feel myself getting more and more nervous. And then finally the big day had arrived. When we arrived at the actual paint ball center, more terror. The paintball fields were housed in a sketchy warehouse in a sketchy area. I had to lose the terror. I had to get tough; so I donned my camo and approached the meeting area. In my head I walked in slow motion with my chest puffed out gripping my gun like a bad ass, the song, "Real Big" was playing in my head (You know that song, "I'm rich bitch, I'm a real Big Tymer.") Of course this was all in my head, but I was trying to get myself pumped up to the max.

The paintball instructor had us gathered around and began to explain the safety tips and the rules. I tried to pay attention, but I was too busy chanting manly mantras in my head. "You got this shit." "Don't be a pussy." "Gonna Take em' Down!" "I'm not scared of no paint." And then it happened. Another group began a game. All I heard was the sound of death spliced with terror. POW, POW, POW, POP POP, POW! Sounded like someone was firing off a machine gun! Whatever balls I had developed while chanting my manly mantras were gone. The little wimpy girl in me had decided to come out and play. I tried to stop them, but the tears started coming. They were trying to stream down my face. I think only 1 person saw me, I quickly gave the "don't say a word" glare. I started breathing slowly. Went to my happy place. Thought of puppies. Anything to make the tears stop before more people noticed.

I was able to stop the tears, but I was not able to stop the nausea and my racing heart. It wasn't the thought of actually being hit with a paintball that gave me the feeling of sheer terror. It was knowing that I was going to be hunted. People were trying to hunt and attack me. Strategic people that had done this before. I will not lie. Laser tag terrifies me a little bit to because of this very reason.

We went into the holding area and were about to go onto the field. My boss asked me how I was feeling. I responded very seriously with, "I think that I may need to throw up." He responded with, "You don't have to do this." But I was on a mission. We move on to the field. The field is also terrifying. There are some barricades littered throughout the field. Each team has to stay on their own side. Everyone had to start behind this gianormous concrete cylinder. When the whistle was blown you could move forward or run to other barricades. The only problem was, you had to run out into the wide open to make it to the next barricade. "Um. No Thank You!"

First game, I cowered behind the concrete cylinder. I tried to pretend I was doing things, but who was I kidding. I looked like a terrified puppy that was likely to piddle themselves at any second. Between games I could literally feel my heart about to beat out of my chest. People knowing that I had been terrified asked me how I was doing. All I could do was give a blank stare and mumble random words while having people feel my heartbeat.

Next game was even scarier. They put us on the field where all the barricades looked like inflatable gymnastic toys....are you fucking kidding me. This time I almost tried to move around. A nano-second later, BAM, shot in the hand and the shoulder. The fear suddenly vanished. All I needed was to be hit by an actual paintball. I ran out off the field and apparently with excitement announced to my boss, "BAM, I got shot in the hand." I said it in a proud way like I had just made my first touchdown as a football player. My shoulder wound even left a small welt.

This game had just become a whole lot more fun. I was trying to run to barricades (usually very unsuccessfully). I was getting shot in the head, the heart, maybe even the uterus. I didn't want to leave. Not even for the happy hour afterwards. So the lesson learned here is you really should try things that you and no one else would ever think to see you do. That's how I learned to enjoy paintball. It may even be what got me to Denver, Co in the first place.

After paintball we all went to HH at Brother's Bar. We had some drinks, ate some appetizers referred to as gator balls, and had some fun!!!!!

THE END!

Why I Don't Cook

Cooking. Something I wish I wanted to do, but deep down inside I just don't. I mean, maybe I would want to cook if I were rich. I could go to the market (I would call it the market because I was rich).  I would buy whatever I needed and cook an amazing dinner. But then again if I were really rich, I would just have someone cook for me. l will try and be more realistic. Maybe I would cook if cooking were fun and not so boring or so much work.

I really need my own Mary Poppins  to follow me around in life. Someone who will make a chore fun. Someone who will take every day tasks and tell me, "Emily, this task is about to meet a spoonful of sugar."( Get it? A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down in the most delightful way.) Oh I would be excited! I would sit back and clap and wait for the magic! Boring meet AMAZING!

So how could cooking meet it's "spoonful of sugar?" The Mary Poppins in me had a few ideas.....opera, rat pack, or maybe a little Italiano music? How about a super cute apron that makes me feel like I actually know what I am doing? How about a hot man assistant? How about a little wine- because wine makes everything fun! All of these things together sound like one heaping spoonful of sugar to me! Ok, I feel like I am mis-leading you. Everything I have written makes it sound like I am going to turn a new leaf and cook. Well that is absolutely not the case! In fact, I have decided to provide my own top ten list of reasons why I do not cook.

Before I provide you with my list, let me make you aware of the true events that inspired this blog. I bought a hot new shirt. I wore it to work and felt all hot and stuff. I didn't have any plans after work, but I wasn't ready to take off my shirt because I loved it so much!

Dinner time came around, and I decided to put a burger on the stove. I decided I would get a little crazy that night and cut a slice of fresh cheese and melt it on top. This is me taking cooking to the max! I eat my bunless cheeseburger with a smidge of BBQ sauce, and then Disturbia! I looked down and there were grease spots on my brand new shirt. I stripped my shirt off immediately, and to no avail I tried to resuscitate it. It was ruined, but I still couldn't bring myself to throw it out. I only got to wear it once! It was such a short but blissful love affair.

I searched far and wide for another one; on the Internet and in several different stores in the Denver area, but alas no shirt. I was soooooo angry when this happened. In fact my initial thought at the discovery of the grease spot was...."This is exactly why I don't cook!"

So, TOP TEN REASONS WHY I DO NOT COOK

10. Cooking means you have to actually plan your grocery trip- I don't make plans.

9. Cooking means more dishes to wash. Washing dishes dries out your hands. I already live in Colorado.  Plus lest us forget dirty dishes sitting in the sink- they taunt me!

8. Cooking usually involves chopping. Who do you think I am Rachel Ray? Chopping is hard.

7. Cookbooks make me feel stupid. They have recipes with titles that sound delightful, but the directions are written in a foreign language that I did not learn in High school or College.

6.  Cooking makes me second guess myself. "Cook on Medium High until Browned". This command makes me forget that my Stove has a Medium, it can't be that hard to find Medium High? And then it gets worse. I start to panic and forget what color brown is. "Is this brown? Wait did they want it to be light brown, medium brown, or dark brown? Gosh, maybe it was supposed to be medium high brown?"

5. Spices stress me out. If you cook, you should know what spice goes well with what flavors. What spices you don't mix. I do not know any of the above. All I know is Tony Chachere's.

4. The pressure. What if it doesn't taste so good.

3. If I began to love cooking and love food, this could be a bad thing. A real bad thing for the size of my ass.

2. Cooking could be depressing. Single lady spending time cooking. Lots of leftovers. No one to share with. Loneliness sets in. The ass gets it again....it just won't stop expanding.

1. It ruins things. My ass, my waddle, my confidence, my self-esteem, and most of all my HOT NEW SHIRT, among other things!

Becoming Dolly!

So you thought the costumes were finished, well you were wrong, very wrong. The actual day of Halloween was on a Sunday, and you know what else is on a Sunday? SAINTS FOOTBALL! They were to play the Steelers, and after a few upsetting games a good spirit was needed.

I decided to dress as Dolly Parton for the Sunday game! Being Dolly would be hard, especially since I do not share any facial features with this amazing lady. But one thing was obvious, I was going to need some extremely large breasts. How to obtain these? Well with a little creativity of course! (Did that last line remind you of Mary Poppins, because it did to me, oh, good idea for next Halloween....Mary Poppins! I would get to pull ridiculous things out of a large handbag!)

Ok, so back to the boobies! I originally tried the easy route! I went to the costume shop and walked up to the first salesperson I saw. This salesperson happened to be male, but I was not deterred. I looked at him and said, "Where are the fake blow-up boobies." He looked at me for a second and then said, "Let me check." To my surprise, they did sell fake boobies, but they were sold out. "Seriously, are you kidding me....how many costumes need fake boobies?!" So then I thought balloons, but I remembered the crowd I would be around. Boys that still like to do things like pop a girls fake boobies! So it finally came to me, a Styrofoam ball would be perfect! It became even more perfect when I purchased the ball and it said (well if you can read upside down. It said 'Make it FUN!':

All I needed was some flesh colored paint a DD bra. Done and done! Then I found a late 70's Dolly concert red jumpsuit, a microphone, fake eyelashes, and some red red lipstick!

Although I didn't necessarily look just like Dolly, I tired to channel her by listening to, "Islands in the stream" multiple times. I put my big fake boobies on and squeezed them into my flashy red jumpsuit. I also applied my fake eyelashes (very badly by the way), darkened my eyebrows, lots of eyeshadow, lots of blush, and lots of red lipstick.......and I then considered myself as close to Dolly as i could ever get! I called a cab and headed to my sports bar. When I got out of the car, I could already smell the shrimp and jambalaya. They did it just for us Saints fans at the Halloween game. Food was great! Dessert was also great! Dessert was a Purple Haze Abita Beer fresh out of the keg!!!!!!!
Needless to say, I had to take a picture. I call this one, 'Empty Food dish with Shrimp tails and an Abita Beer atop thy breast.'

After 3 of those Abitas the game started! Intense game watching face had to go on, and since I did not have on a hint of gold or black, my headband had to come on! Now this took away from my Dolly look, but how much did I really look like her in the first place? The boobies were still around.

Then after the first quarter, a Mardi Gras mask was added. Then lots of yelling and cheering. Then FEISTY Emily! You see, I am watching the game at a Saints Bar, and there is the most obnoxious Steelers chick fan in the bar. She has a shrill voice and sounds drunk....you know the kind you want to punch in the face without even thinking.  Every play she could, she made the most obnoxious scene. I tried to hold my tongue, but we all know how I can be a few beers in.  Actually I am proud of myself I held it until the 4th quarter. That means 3 quarters of shrieking! And right before the Saints made a TD, she thought the Steelers did something amazing so she started her shrieking. Then, Saints TD. I literally jumped out of my chair, then on top of my chair...Yelled Who DAT! The first Who dat was on top of the chair while trying to pump up the crowd. Which worked and made me feel more powerful. I then proceeded to hop off my chair, in all my Dolly/Saints GREATNESS! And took two strides over to the Steelers fan....ready bitch, time for a taste of your own medicine! I proceeded to shout a little who dat into her face and maybe even said something about liking those apples. And then back to my table. More game! More winning! And then the 2nd LINE!

And in case you did not know! The 2ND Line umbrella in my hand......I made!

God Save the King!

All Hallows Eve or more commonly referred to as Halloween. Tis one of my favorite days of the year. (You may find it weird that I just used the word tis, oh, but just you wait!) As I previously mentioned, I love to dress up, but I also like any excuse for randomness. And spotting a gianormous pumpkin while walking for lunch downtown. Well Halloween give us the kind of excuse for this type of randomness.

It also gives us an excuse for pumpkin carving. In fact last Friday at work we got to dress up and partake in a pumpkin carving contest. Alas, our pumpkin didn't win, but I think it is Amaze-balls! I was 1 of 3 blind mice, but alas I also did not take any pictures.

However I was not saddened. You see, the weekend was about to get crazy with some costume madness. Saturday I was about to participate in an event so grand. It was a Pentath-A-Lawn! Teams of 4 were going to compete in 5 games (horseshoes, croquet, bocce ball, bags, and badminton) against 23 other teams, and yes, wait for it......both beer and costumes were a part of the big event!

The team who won for best costume won a coveted 6 pack t-shirt! And as you can see below, there were some pretty creative team names. My team name is the 24TH on the list, LVL 46 C.H.O.D.E. What is this you ask, well let me take things back in time for you just a bit!

Obviously, my team needed to come up with a bomb ass theme. Originally I suggested Star Wars, but we discovered that would be rather expensive. Then my friend Jeff suggested an idea that was so grand, it had to be done.

We were to become LARPERS- Also known as Live Action Role Players. Sounds dirty I know, but you would be surprised to find out that it was more serious than anything. For those of you who don't know what a LARPER is, I shall explain. My first explanation will be a visual......have you ever seen the movie Role Models? If you have, BAM, you now know what a LARPER is! If things still don't seem to make sense, I will delve a little deeper.

A LARPER is a person who loves that dungeons and dragons type of role. They get into character. And then if they are so lucky, they get to go into battle against other LARPERS in character.....usually in a park of sorts.....with their fake weapons.....taking things very seriously. So here we are, in all our gloriousness, the Level 46 Chamarillion Highlanders of Draconian Enlightenment, also known as LVL 46 C.H.O.D.E!

Sir Andervan, Sorceress Arabella, Squire Artonious, and Minstrel Navie

So not only did my team have to dress up, to make our costume authentic (as seen above) we also had to get into a little bit of character.

Myself- I was Arabella, the evil sorceress who had a miniature fire breathing dragon named Thoradon. My job was to cast pretend spells on unsuspecting players throughout the course of the tournament.

Thoradon the Dragon- He is pinned to my shoulder in all the pictures!

Allie- Better known last Saturday as Navie the Minstrel. She had a recorder/flute. She also had bells on her outfit. Her job was to skip around and make lots of noise while playing her flute. She also threw glitter around during highlights of the day to bless people. And she yelled "God Save the King!" a lot.

Jeff- Transformed into Artonious the squire! He was the best at speaking the language of the C.H.O.D.E and read the instructions out loud at each event in a very squirely way....hilarious!

Andy- Morphed into Sir Andervan. He pulled the manly tights off like no one else could!

We only won 2 out of 5 events. But we were not saddened, because out of all the teams there we won the best dressed prize! And there were a lot of awesome costumes! So then it was really time to party! And lets say 11 a.m - 3 a.m. is a long time! PARTY ON!!!!!!!!

I will end this post to a shout out for Navie the Minstrel, she got jumped on her way home. She was beat up pretty badly, but will be ok. This is an awful thing to happen to an unarmed lady without a purse in a nice neighborhood. All my ladies, be careful out there!